Sex With A Married Man?

Question for Joy:

Why is it a big deal to have sex with a married man? No one is playing games.
Its a friendship, knowing that it can’t go any further. At least the
relationship is based on honesty and truth.


Joy’s Answer:

Well, first of all, there are two issues going on here: 1) the marriage between a husband and wife and 2) the “mistress.” For the first issue, marriage is a more than just vows between a man and a woman. Marriage was created by God, a covenant made before God, a sacred relationship which was meant to include God. God intended for one man to be with one woman and for both to exist in Him. Nothing is to ever violate that Godly union. Anything that husband needs in a woman, he should get from his wife. Anything a wife needs in a man, she should get from her husband. All others are to be forsaken. So when someone steps outside God’s design for marriage, it is literally a sin, a crime, and a shame. Since you asked specifically about a married man, I will answer from that viewpoint. The married man, aside from sinning, is flawed in so many ways. You mentioned honesty. He’s not being honest if he’s cheating. He’s living a lie. He’s living a lie with the woman he’s cheating with, with his wife, with his children (if he has any), and whomever else he is hiding his relationship with his mistress from. He’s even lying to himself if he believes that he isn’t lying. And truth? There simply is no truth in lying. He is delusional and so is the woman he is cheating with.

Furthermore, he’s a coward. It takes a courageous, strong, sensitive man with conviction, to be true to his wife. It takes a real man to be able to take the time to find in his wife what he needs in a woman. If his wife has cheated on him or abandoned him, then according to the Bible, he can divorce her. But, if this is not the case, then he must search deep within himself to find God in himself so that he can then find God in her. A good man lives up to his obligations and his word. And, a husband is obligated to his wife above all else (aside from God, of course) and he gave his word when he vowed to love her for better or worse, richer or poorer, til death parts them.

THAT’S why is wrong for a married man to have sex with a woman other than his wife.

Refer to 1 Corinthians 6:13-20, 1 Corinthians 7:1-15, and Matthew 19:4-6.

Now, as for the woman the married man is cheating with…why? Why contribute to the problems between a woman and her husband? This woman is a distraction. This woman is an outsider to the marriage. This woman is allowing her temple to be used by Satan. Simply put, this woman is allowing herself to be used as a blow-up doll (and just as easily discarded) and she doesn’t even see it. Does this woman think he has her back? He doesn’t! As soon as she needs him, he’s gone! Why? Because the fun is gone. Because the “no strings attached” idea is gone. Love? Please. That’s not love, that’s lust. It’s important for women to know the difference. This woman is letting herself be used and she’s deluded into thinking that she’s getting something worthwhile out of it. What could she possibly be getting that’s worthwhile? Twenty spare minutes from a man who wants to jump up and down on her then go back and play family with his wife? I wonder what kind of self-esteem this woman has that allows her to be treated this way; that allows her to settle for his sloppy leftovers; that allows her to be deluded? Most of us have dibbled and dabbled in sexual immorality, but, as far as “humans” are concerned, it’s “extra bad” when you are “sexing” someone else’s man. TRUST ME WHEN I TELL YOU: NOTHING good can come from that kind of shallow, meaningless, lust-full relationship. I only hope that this woman learns to truly honor herself and becomes the woman God created her to be, and this cannot happen if she is still selling herself short by having sex with a married man.





P.S. I appreciate your question. I hope I answered your question sufficiently.



  1. Tenacity says

    I think you may need to look a bit deeper into the anonymous reader’s comments. In no way shape or form do I think he is condoning a married man running around like a teenager trying to pick up women. However everything in life is not always black and white. There are grey areas in the real world. I do agree that a marriage is a union based on a spiritual pledge. However the most corrupt people I have ever met were those going to church every weekend supposed Christians. (I.E. Kirk Franklin being addicted to porn, and Bishop Eddie long molesting young boys!) Not saying that these people were ever real role model to me, but there is a huge amount of corruption in the church and the supposed godly way. I am a firm believer in God and pray every day that I live by the payer of serenity. In a perfect world everyone who walks down the aisle would live long, Happy, emotionally fulfilling lives. The marriage would be full of personal, emotional, and spiritual satisfaction. However in the real world things happen, and things change. Even though you absolutely love your wife and would never leave her, there are times when the passion dies. Most people do not get married based on Sex. The emotional bond, and love never falters, but you are no longer having sex on the kitchen table as you walk in the door after a long day of work. When men and women both have careers and children roles change and priorities change causing relationships to change. Again, I am not saying it is right to cheat on your spouse, but you only have one life to live and after you live it, you are dead and gone forever. Is it wrong to enjoy your life while you have an opportunity to do so?
    If, I found out my wife cheated on me, I would not automatically say honey its over! I would need to find out why. What was I not providing her at home? Does she still love me would be a major factor.
    The honesty mentioned by the anonymous reader is definitely not between himself and his wife, because there are obviously something happening that would cause him to go outside his marriage in the first place. The honest would be between him and the friend he has an encounter with. Knowing that no one is going to leave their spouse for the benefit of the sex. Therefore there are no hurt feelings and they can both move on without any drama or issues. Maybe the other woman involved just needs emotional support at the time. When she is ready to move on, she can with no repercussions.
    Again I am not condoning cheating on your spouse but we do not live in a perfect world and things do happen. I personally do not find that being a coward at all, as you never know what is going on in someone’s life.

  2. says

    you brought up several points, some of which address the initial question:” What’s the big deal to have sex with a married man?” So, let me respond to your points:

    1. About the gray areas—There are NO gray areas with God. Black is black, white is white, and cheating is cheating. “Gray areas” come when people try to reason or justify their own sinful behavior, and this leads to the “corruption in the church” that you mentioned. Plain and simple. If a man wants to cheat, that’s his choice. Either he does or he doesn’t. There’s no gray area with that. Every man and woman will answer to God, regardless of what the preacher, choir boy, or usher does.

    2. Passion and sex on the kitchen table—It takes two! If the husband is romancing his wife and not getting the passion he wants, then he needs to talk to his wife about it-openly and honestly instead of cheating on her just to fulfill his own selfish desires for passion and sex. Let’s face it: It’s about HIM. Yes, you only have one life to live–this is the same life that this married man vowed to his wife. Yes, things happen and things change. That’s life–heck, that’s marriage! Roll with it. WORK HARD TOGETHER to make the marriage into what is desired instead of flying solo to fulfill one’s needs.

    3. You mentioned that if your wife cheated on you that you would not automatically leave. Great! You also said that you would ask why and what was it that she needed from you. Wouldn’t it be better to have this conversation BEFORE she cheated…better yet, INSTEAD of her cheating?

    4. Honesty between the married man and his mistress–again, how dare he be “honest” with another woman and not his own wife? Where’s the loyalty in that? Heck, where’s the LOVE (for his wife) in that?

    5. So what if the mistress needs emotional support? She’s looking for it in all the wrong places. And since when did sex=emotional support?

    6. You mention a “perfect world” and the “real world.” The “real world” is not a “perfect world” because of people committing sins left and right and living in “gray areas.” If we all did our very best to live by the “black and white” Word of God, our “real world” would BE our “‘perfect’ world.”