Girl, that’s his M.O., you know, his “modus operandi” or his “method of operation.” All this means is that THIS IS WHAT HE DOES, as in…you’re not the first, this is his HABIT, the way the does things. And it’s very important for us to know these things when dealing with a man. We NEED to know his habits, his tendencies, his idiosyncrasies, his moods, his triggers, and any destructive or selfish behaviors or patterns. We need to learn these as soon as possible if we believe he may be someone we want to be serious with.
So, take for instance an attractive woman; we’ll call her Cheri. Cheri sees a fine man at the gym. He’s tall, dark, and handsome, drives a nice car, and she learns that he has a good job. So far, so good. Three months later, they’ve been dating steadily and Cheri is starting to feel pretty special when she gets to go meet his mother. Upon meeting his mother, his mother very innocently says to her, “You’re much prettier than all the others he brings home.”
Now, you know a few things. One, you may not be all that special to him if there are “others;” two, his mother DID use present tense; three, his mom just may be a remix of the mother in the movie “Monster-In-Law”; but if not, then…four, THIS IS HIS M.O., just a “routine” he goes through with the ladies. Either way, all kinds of alarms, bells, and whistles, should be going off right now for miss Cheri.
But what do many of us do? Well, those of us that reeeeally want a man, I mean reeeeally want a man, simply ignore the alarms, bells, and whistles. Then a year later, when he’s been sitting on our couch for the last 6 months while we go to work, come home, cook, clean, take care of the kids (yeah, we already had those), we wonder where we went wrong. I’ll tell you where we went wrong: WE IGNORED THE SIGNS and we did not ASK QUESTIONS because we didn’t want to upset him. Or maybe we were just scared of shattering our own fairy tale or scared of being alone…again.
Then there’s another intelligent woman, let’s call her, Tami. So, Tami’s been seeing this guy who, after two months of dating, comes over to her house. Sometimes he comes to visit, sometimes he picks her up for a date, and sometimes he does something totally uncalled for: starts an argument. And after he starts the argument (over nothing), he leaves and she doesn’t hear from him in a week. Once she ran into an old girlfriend of his who knew they were dating and asked Tami, “So has he started picking arguments over little mess then gettin’ missin’ for a week or so yet? He used to do that to me and I found out that when he was missing, he was cheating.” Tami was floored. The first sign was the stupid arguments. The second sign was him M.I.A. for so long. And now, the third sign was his ex-girlfriend. And she was giving her an indication of his M.O. Tami was smart; she asked him about it. When she wasn’t satisfied with his answers, she dropped the drama and dropped him.
Now, sometimes you can get ahead of the game if you ask questions early on. Two good questions may be:
1. What happened in your last relationship? How long were you together? (Then ask about each of his two relationships before that to see if there’s a pattern.)
2. How long have you been working at your current job? (Then if it’s a short period of time, ask what happened to the previous two jobs.)
3. Also, ask about his goals, education, family, and memorable childhood experiences. All of this would play a part in his behavior.
You may also be able to get ahead of the game by knowing who his friends are and what they are about. Chances are, if they aren’t about anything, he isn’t either. Or, if he doesn’t have any friends, that may be even more telling.
Sad thing is, if we end up in relationships with these guys with their jacked up M.O.’s, there is something in us that’s attracting them. Maybe it’s the need to “save” them, or we’re enablers, or we’re the ones scared and needy. We’ve got to get to the root of whatever pain and/or dysfunction in us that would attract, and even worse, tolerate their behavior, otherwise we are destined to live out unhappiness and dysfunction for the rest of our lives. Many of us have said frequently that “there are no good men out there,” or “there are no good men left.” But…
The truth is, the “good” men wouldn’t be attracted to the crap in us that’s attracting the jacked up men!
So, we need to take a look at ourselves and discover where we need to be healed and to be made whole. Figure out who we need to forgive and get on with it. We need to nurture ourselves back to health. We need to drop our “baggage” at the door; unpack that suitcase and throw those old clothes out. We need to renew and restore ourselves. We need to learn to be just fine all by ourselves. We must do all of this BEFORE we open ourselves up to a relationship. Then, once we are RIGHT, we will attract a RIGHT man and we won’t have to worry about his M.O. ’cause it will be all good.
If you liked this post, check out 5 Ways We Women Devalue Ourselves (And Don’t Even Realize It!)