According to urbandictionary.com, mindf@$% (yes, it’s apparently a real word) is a technique someone uses to confuse or reshape your thinking in the way the “mindf@$%er” wants you to think. This person attempts to make you question, doubt, or acquire a new set of ideas based off what s/he has told you. In many relationships nowadays, there is at least one person in the relationship that engages in this kind of destructive communication.
(Let me speak from a woman’s point of view, although I do recognize that this happens to men, too.)
Ladies, listen up: You have every right to present a legitimate concern to your man. When you are behaving maturely, addressing him with a clear mind, speaking respectfully, and stating your case unaccusingly, then a mature man will respond to you the same way. Unfortunately, many times, when many men know they are wrong, possibly even feel bad about it, instead of accepting what you have to say in the spirit you intended, they twist it around so that they are making YOU out to be the one causing the “problem,” or make it seem like YOU are the “crazy” one.
Instead of saying, “Baby, I hear you. I hear you and I’m sorry. Let’s work on it,” they proceed to say things like, “You just don’t understand,” and “why can’t you just support me,” or, “it’s all about you.” Then what happens? Sadly, many of us say, “Okay, you’re right, I’m sorry.” And, we really believe that we did something wrong! Are you kidding me?
Ladies, stop the madness! By turning your legitimate concerns back on you, they have essentially mindf@$%ed you, IF you fell for the okeydoke.
So what can you do? When you have something you want to discuss, take 24 hours to think about it before saying anything. Get your thoughts together. Get your emotions in check. Prepare your wording so that you say only EXACTLY what you mean to say, in as few words as possible. Then, plan the conversation when there is ample time with no distractions. Stay focused on your topic, then proceed with stating your case. If the mindf@$% comes, stay focused. He may bring up the past, talk about what you do, talk about what he is or isn’t doing to justify his case, and by the way, mention that you should be supportive of him, blah blah blah. Let him speak his piece. Once you have stated you case, and stated it clearly so that any third grader could understand it, don’t say anymore. Don’t argue. Don’t yell. Don’t cry and act like a fool. Don’t be an emotional basket case (at least not around him). Don’t address the points he’s brought up (excuses–a diversion tactic). Don’t play the blame game with him. You’ve laid your cards out on the table. Let him see the cards and know that it’s his turn to deal.
Now, you have a couple of options (both of which honor you, of course):
1) Do what you are supposed to do, what you have agreed to do. Don’t ever let someone else’s behavior cause you to become less than the woman that you are. For example, if your concern is that he’s not coming home for dinner like he used to (and instead of explaining everything in the spirit of peace and cooperation he comes at you with the mindf@$%), and you and the kids still have to eat, don’t refuse to cook just because he’s not coming home to eat. Don’t let his behavior take you off your game. Continue to cook, and cook the absolute best meals! Later ask him what he ate. When he tells you “a burger,” in your sweetest voice, let him know that you and the kids enjoyed the delicious filet mignon (his favorite meal) in his absence. Keep doing what you do right, not because you hope that he will eventually see the good in you or see what he’s missing (although that could happen), do what’s right because that’s WHO YOU ARE, because that’s the God in you. Examine your own motives before your next move.
2) Or, do just the opposite of 1), IF the situation calls for it. For example, if the two of you agreed to a weekly date night, regardless of the night, and he keeps falling through even when you change the night, but has time for the gym, the boys, and who and whatever else, then you don’t have to sit around waiting for him for a date night when he’s not showing up. You’re not a doormat or a lapdog. You’re a woman of purpose with stuff to do! You’ve got options! Go on with your night(s). Plan something else. Go out with the girls, go visit family, work on that new business you just started, go get your nails done, treat yourself to a movie, get a new look—go do something! Don’t just sit around waiting on him! Did I mention that life is too short to waste? Enjoy it the best way that you can with or without him!
Am I telling you to dishonor your relationship, your marriage? Absolutely not! What I’m saying is you can’t make him do anything, so don’t waste your breath trying. All you can do is state your case as maturely and with as much self-control as you can, give him a chance to respond, then act accordingly. If he “mans up,” then fantastic! You’ve got a winner! The two of you can move on on one accord. But if he doesn’t “man up” but instead responds with the mindf@$%, then you still have to take care of YOU even when he doesn’t and you still need to honor and respect yourself, and not get caught up in his mind games. Sista, you’re too good for that. Send up a special prayer for him and keep it movin’.
Sidebar: Now ladies, IF you’re the one engaging in the mindf@$%, you’re wrong for that! Be woman enough to address his concerns head on. For example, if he says, “Baby, we need to get these bills paid,” don’t get defensive and start up with the mindf@$% saying things like, “Are you trying to tell me I don’t deserve to get a massage after working all week making my hard-earned money?” See…now that’s not even what he said. Stay on the issue at hand. He was talking about the bills, not necessarily the massage. Maybe there is a way for both to get done, you know, COMPROMISE. But if you’re already in mindf@$% mode, you won’t see the beauty of the situation: you won’t see him coming to you like a man in the spirit of togetherness. Take a step back, relax, check yourself, then respond to him like the woman you are meant to be. Work it out. Most molehills don’t need to become mountains. Remember, you’re the helpmate, so help by being the most confident, self-sufficient, greatly communicative, open, honest, and respectful woman that you were meant to be!
Just keepin’ it real,